i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
