Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
