The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
