I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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