the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
