I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You're like the curious george of whores
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
