He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my shit smells like andre
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
