I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This is my gift to your gina
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
