I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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