just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I AM VODKA MAN
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
