Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
