I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
