i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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