life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
