she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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