I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
