this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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