I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My day in three words: secret purse cake
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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