Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
