If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
