my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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