Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
