im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I would fuck him just for his dog
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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