you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
