he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
