She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
