ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
