i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
