i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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