i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
