You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
