i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she peed on how many people?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
