there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
