True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
