I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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