The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
