It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
