I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
