dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
