I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
