I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
