Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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