well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
