It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
