what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I am midnight drunk by noon
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
