My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
