yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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