ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
