just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
