Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
