it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
